Category: The Evolving Blog

The Pain of Wanting to be Like Everyone Else

As a grade eight teacher, some days I’m especially reminded of the harsh world the students live in. Since I primarily work with adolescents struggling in school in some form or the other, I am pretty familiar with the many ways a student suffers on a daily, even minute to minute basis. Sometimes it pains me in such a way, I cry for them, for me, for us, for humanity.

A student’s comment caught me off guard today. As we worked on multi-step Algebra equations, we were also discussing the difficulties of Algebra in general. After saying, “This is really hard work.” The reply was, “If it’s so hard, why can everyone else do it?” My heart broke right then and there, sitting in the classroom, another crack with another student’s name to add to the roster of 30 years. We continued our chat, but I don’t think I was able to turn that student’s thoughts around. Sometimes I just hate math!!

Setting Boundaries

Do you have someone in your life that consumes so much of your time so that their needs are met? Do you help them so often that you are unable to complete your own tasks? Do you feel frustrated? resentful?

I recently learned about “energy vampires.” Boy, do some people know some serious bloodsuckers! I quickly realized that I had one in my very own midst! Trying to avoid the fate of awakening each day from my own cozy coffin, I, with the help of friends, brainstormed ways to keep me from such a demise!

Let’s back it up though…. before I was aware of how much energy I was putting into this person and why I was feeling so stressed, here’s a few things I did on a regular basis: answered questions, helped, taught, explained, modeled, gave, suggested strategies, retaught, explained and modeled differently, gave more, came up with more strategies to the same problems, answered more questions,…Does this sound familiar?

The first boundary I set was asking politely, “Would you be willing to wait until I get my coat off before asking me questions? It helps me start my day off on a postive note when I get myself settled in at my desk first.” I know, pretty tough, right? It was a baby step, but it worked. Unfortunately, nothing else changed. I wondered, does a vampire feel as if they are a thoughtful friend if the ask so sweetly to bite into your neck? The thirst for more was evident behind that poor mesmile.

I did try setting some indirect boundaries that not only did not work, but fostered resentment in me. As this resentment increased over time, the more I became the poor me. One of the last times I tried to help this person, it didn’t end well. By then I had built up so much anger, at me! I was mad for not taking care of myself. Depleted of that life-giving force barely running through my veins, I needed support! I had a terrible few days and once again, it was all about the vamp! Feeling hurt, I blew up! Quickly feeling shamed of my behavior, I sincerely apologized for yelling. What happened then you ask? I heard once again, the Poor Me mantra. I really had to figure this out – for my own mental health!

I read and was given a number of ideas on how to respond to this sweet, caring, gentle and wonderful person, who when not donning a black cape and fangs, is genuinely lovely. Four months had past from our new partnership and I knew I had to do something! I was prepared with a list of things I would say the next time I was charmingly invited to dinner for one.

It came the next morning (to no surprise by me), but I was prepared. What surprised me was what came out of my mouth – not the many phrases I had been given – but something very different. The thoughts in my head were put on hold. Instead, I spoke from my heart and said, “I’m not sure if you’ve realized this or not, but for the past few weeks (the new year), I’ve been really trying to set boundaries for myself. I’ve realized that when I help people so much, I don’t get my own work done. When I don’t get my work done, I feel stressed and have to do more of it at home. This takes more time away from my husband and he misses me. I hope you understand.” It was understood and I thanked my heart for stepping in and taking the lead!

P.S. Things have really changed!! ….but I still keep the list of phrases prepared, just in case…

I am shocked!!

Have you ever heard a story – a real life occurrence – that left you so dumbstruck that you had to take your hand to force your jaw, closing your mouth before the proverbial flies made use of the space? I’m sure you have….but I have to say at this point in my life, it doesn’t happen to me too often, but…

This week, a colleague shared an appalling act that is occuring on a frequent basis! I still can hardly believe it! My heart cried out, “No, people would never let that happen.” My eyes filled with tears as she told me her tale. My ears burned with heat from disgust. Muscles all over my body tightened as I froze in disbelief. Stunned into silence, my body like a steel post, I stood like a statue next to the copy machine and listened, flabbergasted.

She told of an organization that provides transportation for adults with disabilities. I’m sure they mean well and most likely run on very little staff, but the events she mentioned left me dumbfounded. Her words were few, but my mind ran wild with visions.

I saw a joyful adult with cognitive challenges waiting for his ride, excited for a fun day out on his own. He walks out to the sidewalk at the end of his yard and stands there happily anticipating the sight of his driver pulling up. The pickup time passes and many minutes tick by….no driver…no understanding of why. Standing alone, I see a confused and frustrated man whose day turns from a happy sunny-side-up egg to burnt toast, as his body slumps forward in disappointment.

I envision a woman with blindness who walks to her pickup stop, biding her time – for three hours – in the pouring rain for her driver. She knows she must wait for these hours, so she endures the unending shower. Why? The business has explained the only driver that is able to pick her up has other passengers and cannot give an exact time, only a three hour minute window. Would you wait one hundred eighty minutes for a ride as the rain pelts your umbrella, sending echos of its drops vibrating through your body?

These adults, and many, many others like them, have no other choice. They are grateful, as my coworker shared, that groups exist to provide this transportation. Really? Is this how our communities value their inhabitants? For whom do we provide the highest level of service in our society – to those who need it or to those who can afford it? Do we realize the vast discrepancy between peoples with and without dis-abilities? This is just one aspect of the discordance in our culture. Who are the dis-abled? Those of us who are not able to help others, perhaps?

I am shocked.

A Lost Soul

So many lost souls surround me… next door, down the street, in front of the line at the grocery store… They are everywhere – wisps of wind whispering in my ear. They share their secrets, but I don’t hear them.

I am frightened of the undeniable pain in which these lost souls live. My heart retreats, as fear takes its place. I look down at my chest, checking to ensure it hasn’t caved in. I don’t acknowledge them.

These souls are desperately trying to connect with other souls. They search for just one other, dreaming that their anguish of alienation will melt away. They desperately reach, stretching their arms to try to touch me. I don’t feel them.

They have all the markings of happy souls living in human bodies, but their eyes betray their jolly countenances. The lost souls pray they will rescued from their inner torment. I look away. I don’t see them.

I lie in bed, as they float around in my head – whispering, feeling, seeing the never-ending lost souls. I turn away from them, running, escaping, hiding. There is one chasing me! I turn to look back and see my reflection in the mirror.

Letting Rage out of Its Cage

The key to getting out-

Scream and shout,

Stomp and kick,

Shake a stick.

Screech and squeal,

Rage is real.

It’s okay to feel anger,

Get a drum and be a banger.

Find a spot and have a sit,

Yell, yell, yell,

Hit, hit, hit.

Grunt and growl

Squeeze a towel.

Stomp, stomp, stomp,

Shout, shout, shout,

It feels so good to let it out!

Time Inspires

Timely Matched - Happy New Year cake
photo – bakingo.com

Time – when I have a huge chunk of it, like the biggest slice I’m willing to take from a birthday cake without causing others to gasp, I feel free. I am inspired to spend my time doing what I love, moving in a way that feels good and just plain doing something for myself. I feel great, expansive, like I can do anything, be anything, change anything, learn and grow. I am Jack climbing up the magical beanstalk, loving every minute of the journey. I am BatGirl flying across the city, spotting children to save from harm. I am a fairy, flitting through the forest’s flowers, mushrooms and secret hiding places. I am me, thinking, smiling, loving.

All of a sudden I realize my slice has been devoured, although enjoyed tremendously, but gone all the same. The only slice I have left of my own, is the thin slice that the skinny girl at the party takes after saying, “Oh I better not…well okay, just the tiniest slice.” This slice I will not consume greedily, but savor it like melting chocolate on my tongue. This lone slice may be miniscule compared to the large one I delighted in, but I will make this just as satisfying. With this piece of the never-ending clockface tick, tick, ticking away, I will soar like an eagle seeing the beauty of my life below. I will wave my magic wand like the Good Witch from the North, helping to heal the universe. I will feel the beat of my heart replace the tick, tick, ticking of time. I will feel, I will experience and I will love every second of it.

Inspired by New Year Goals, not Resolutions

It’s that time of year…Today is National Make up Your Mind Day! Seems apropos, as I ponder 2019…with all its possibilities. What do I want in this year ahead? I’m pretty sure most of us are thinking about this today. We all know tomorrow is…drumroll please…the first day of the rest of our lives…and because it’s also a new 365 day cycle, according to the Gregorian calendar, it feels even more important.

Resolution – a firm decision to do or not to do something.   A resolution feels like a vow to me…to be or not to be, that is the action! Do I want to make a firm decision about anything, really? That seems so confining, so deliberate that it doesn’t leave room for adjustment. As I experience daily, my life needs adjusting throughout. Do I want to bang the gavel down upon the bench to eat only healthy foods or exercise every day? What happens if I don’t? I know what – I am disappointed in myself. Once again, another New Year’s Resolution in the Clink…and the judge has thrown away the key.

Goal – an aim or desired result.     I love the way this feels – so positive, something attainable, reachable, in my grasp. A goal feels doable. I am striving for something and in the direction of that intention, I can enjoy the process along the way. I can marvel at the steps it takes to achieve it and I can relish in the knowledge that it will happen.  I have a road to travel, to meander along the highway of discovery, learning and growth to a joyous destination. A goal is something to shoot for. I, as the bow, am equipped with my quiver of arrows. Who knows where they will land? I have all I need to shoot for the stars and enjoyed the trajectory along the way!

Fellow Americans, I have made up my mind on the national holiday, I will be focused on New Year Goals!