The Evolving Blog – Page 6

I am searching for Freedom.

I am wondering where Freedom lies and how to entice it to become my daily companion. Is Freedom your soulmate? How did you meet? Did you pursue it or did it court you? Who fell in love first?

What is the music that allows you to dance together, each beautiful step an ongoing performance of joy, as you live each day, you and Freedom? I long for this partner, I eagerly search for its music, tilting my head in this direction and that as I walk through each day. Where is my Freedom? My soulmate? What music can I play, sing, write to entrance my life partner out of hiding? I long for my Freedom, my partner, the one who I wake up to each morning with heartfelt love and put to rest each night as my body replenishes itself for a another invigorating day together.

I love Freedom! I can yell it from the mountain tops, yodelling with the best of the those who have Freedom by their side. I fantasize about Freedom …I dream about Freedom….Freedom is so exhilerating, so dreamlike, so all encompassing! What is is about Freedom that the just hearing the word inside my head as I type makes my mouth salivate as my lips curl into a slight smile? Freedom feels sooooo good, just thinking about it.

Freedom, where for art thou? Are you near? I can feel you; sometimes you feel like my partner, my lover, my one and only. Then you are gone, like a mysterious twinkle that blends into the darkened sky. Or are you really so close that I can smell, taste and hear you, but Knowledge quickly consumes you as my days fill up my mind?

Knowledge, what a troublesome fellow he is. He is constantly by my side, holding on so tightly that at times I can hardly breathe. There’s a reason why Knowledge and Nuisance begin with the same sound – they are kissing cousins. I need you to step aside, Knowledge, allow some room for Freedom to spend time with me, to show me the world, to allow me to feel the world.

I know. I know. I know. But I want to feel. I want to feel Freedom.

I am inspired by my student.

Last week one of my students was having difficulty with an academic task. He was working through the stress of the work and his self-confidence in his ability to complete it in the time allotted. As this student’s stress was escalating, becoming apparent to students surrounding him, an angel reached his wing out to comfort the student.

This angel was another student sitting at the same table. In the most gentle, soothing voice and without looking up, he touched the anxious student. With his hand on the boy’s shoulder, he softly spoke to him saying, “You’ve got this. You are the most determined person I know. You can do it. You’ve got this.”

“You’ve got this.” From one adolescent to another, from an eighth grade classroom of angst, anxiety, fear of being different and bullied. From the heart of one student who, like all the others, experiences the ups and downs of this difficult age where minute to minute can be a struggle between independence and dependence, invincibility and vulnerability, triumph and disappointment. An act of solace from one young man who stopped his work to help another in pain. That call to reach out to a peer was deeper than the academic work at hand; it was a powerful yearning to connect, to alleviate the pain in another, to encourage, to motivate, to support.

This angel gracefully removed his wingtips from his peer’s shoulder and silently resumed his own work. The touch of those fingertips was felt on the shoulder, and his words felt in the troubled student’s heart. Anxiety abated, he too silently resumed his task at hand. “You’ve got this” echoed on as I watched them work.

I am inspired by my student.

I am changing channels.

My television viewing has changed drastically over the past two years. I watch much less overall and I watch different shows altogether. Years ago my husband asked my why I watched true crime shows. I thought at the time, “I don’t know. I always have. My mom did and I do.” Then he told me that I was more negative after watching those negative shows. I didn’t really believe him at the time, but kept his words in the back of my mind.

Me, being the type of person who likes to ‘look things up’ decided to look up his idea about me watching negative TV and coming away from it with a more negative mindset. Well, my brilliant husband was absolutely right! Watching these crime shows had a direct effect on my body and mind – even though my conscious mind knew I was watching an event and not experiencing it, my subconscious mind did not. My body reacted in a variety of ways and one specific way, I learned, was quite eye-opening to me. Cortisol levels can increase and when cortisol is released it can trigger past bad memories because it’s part of how prior memories become embedded in our brains. So subconsciously thinking of past bad events could spoil a good mood for sure! I stopped watching my ‘regular shows’ a couple of years ago.

Happily watching less TV and watching positive shows like my favorite – Oprah Winfrey’s Super Soul Sunday, I’ve held on to one type of show – until about a week ago. I held on to watching reality TV shows – always telling myself that I really shouldn’t watch these shows about housewives, but it was the last piece that I couldn’t let go of. My brilliant husband, once again, wondered why I watched them and just said, “I don’t know, but there a millions of viewers out there, so there has to be something to them.”

Once again, I had an ‘I don’t know’ for a response, but still kept watching….until a brave friend of mine answered a difficult question I posed to my closest family and friends: List 3 things you really like about me and 3 things you really don’t. I am eternally grateful for those who had the courage to respond to my inquiry, and my friend Martha’s response of not liking that I watch reality TV, made me finally really think about why I watch those shows.

Why? I still can’t answer that clearly, although I could list many aspects that could be true and most likely are to some degree, but what spoke to me the most – was my dear friend, who has known me since we were 15 and whom I highly respect. If she could list 3 things and this was 1 of them, I needed to take a deeper look. That was why I asked her in the first place. I quickly decided that this use of my time is not doing anything positive for me and since it doesn’t serve me, I no longer need it.

I no longer watch these television shows and I haven’t missed them at all. Thank you, Martha, for speaking your truth and helping me continue to grow in my quest to better myself and hopefully better the world in some small way. You have bettered me and I am grateful for it.

I am changing channels.

I am a reflection.

I am so grateful that I was able to spend the last four days at Tenth Gate Yoga Studio with kindred souls in the presence of such a beautiful person, Yogi Amandeep Singh. The experience was more than I can put words to. It fed my soul, inspired my heart and calmed my mind. I am filled with such a happiness that my smile feels like it has found a permanent residence. (Well, it may have seemed to vacate the premises for a few moments in 8th grade Algebra class today when the kids were enjoying the fact that a substitute teacher was in the room…. We all remember the smiles that brings to an adolescent!)

Nonetheless, my smile was at home, in my heart, and I held a peace about me. Spending these last few days in meditation and discussion was not only enlightening, but so fulfilling. I want to share this feeling with the world! I felt like I was floating all weekend and into today, even back at work. Entering the building and walking down the 8th grade hallway looked like a pathway to an adventure. I carried this mindset throughout the day and will strive to continue to do so as much is humanly possible.

When I was running errands in town, strangers were engaging me in conversations and everyone was smiling, friendly and helpful. I quickly realized that it was I who was smiling, friendly and helpful. They were a reflection of me. What I put out into the universe, I get back.

I look back at how I thought I had been ‘treated negatively’ in the past and realize that I invited those interactions into my life. What I saw in those occurrences and faces is what I saw in myself – judgement, insecurity, lack of self-love….the list goes on. I understand I had to experience those things to get to the place I am today. Without pain there is no pleasure, without sadness there is no joy, and without disappointment there is no acceptance.

I hope to be able to continue to see these beautiful reflections of myself, the person I am becoming, the happy person who is filled with gratitude, love for herself and love for others. Without all of the beloved others in the world, I would have no reflection. Thank you for being my reflection and for teaching me to look at myself, deep within. I look forward to the many lessons that are to come and for the myriad of reflections that I will see in you. I am and will be forever grateful.

I am a reflection.

“Walk with Me”

I went to see the Thich Nhat Hanh movie “Walk with Me” tonight with a dear friend. This movie was not only about mindfulness, but it was an actual experience in mindfulness. I don’t think I’ve ever sat still for such a long period of time! I should’ve checked my pulse because not only was I so relaxed, but I was extremely happy! Tears were streaming down my cheeks at various points in the film, and they were definitely tears of joy.

Seeing people at peace, attending to life in the moment and shutting out all the “noise” that keeps our minds from seeing, from hearing, from feeling was very powerful. I felt so grateful to be sitting in the Jane Pickens Cinema as one of the sold out ticket holders! Because it was a sell out, the theater agreed to show it again on November 20, for any of you in the Newport area who might be reading this! There was no “noise” in my head for those two hours, nor in the theater! I didn’t hear anyone eating their popcorn, drinking the sodas or even whispering! All attendees were practicing mindfulness so beautifully. That mindful silence was a exquisite sound!

One last thing…as an educator by profession, I loved that the other monks referred to Thich Nhat Hanh as “teacher.” The title was spoken with such reverence, honor and respect. That word “teacher” felt so solid, so big, so mighty, as if it formed a mountain to sit upon and learn from.

I see myself walking as Thich Nhat Hanh did, with mindfulness, taking in each moment and living life to its fullest one step at a time! I am “Walk with Me.”

I am a 1000 petal lotus.

I am a 1000 petal lotus. I am discovering what I am, inspired by one of my yoga certification instructors, Hari Kaur Khalsa. On the first day of the weekend training, she asked us to introduce ourselves to another student by telling them, “I am…” After a minute, she gently said, “Keep going.” My brows furrowed and my heart picked up pace. I thought, “What else can I say?” I dug deep and found some other things to share. Another minute passed, and I heard, “Keep going.” I looked up to the most beautiful smile and thought, if she thinks I can keep going, I guess I can. It was challenging, but I recall filling up the time until my turn was over.

At the culmination of the exercise, I thought about this – ‘What did I say? Was what I said the most important things to me? Were they about me or were they labels I’ve been given? Did what I said reflect my true self or the world self?’ By the time we gathered at the end of the exercise, Hari Kaur asked us to share one thing about the experience we had. I decided that I was a 1000 petal lotus, I had 1000 aspects of me that I was going to figure out. I shared with my classmates that I was going to write 1000 “I ams” .

I challenged myself to look further inside to continue to find my soul through all of the earthy layers of labels. I completed my list of 1000 on Friday, October 27 and the first people I told were my classmates on our group facebook page. Some of my classmates had/have decided to write their own ‘I ams’ and have shared progress on their own journeys in doing so.

This self-challenge, in turn, inspired me to begin other writing projects again, for which this blog is one outlet. (I had set my hobby and dreams of writing aside about 16 years ago.) If my words may help others to love themselves, see their lives differently or to heal the world in any way possible, it is worth sharing them. This is one way I am sharing my 1000 I ams!
Thank you for sharing your time with me here. I am a 1000 petal lotus.

I am a gardener.

I am a gardener. I sow and reap the most beautiful fruits and veggies. It is a wonderful gift to have your own garden…especially one that grows and gives with such little attention given by me. Each year I am so excited to start my garden, and each year I can never seem to keep up with it – the weeds, the picking of the veggies, the cooking of the fresh veggies, and did I mention the weeds? I am thankful to have this plot of land in my yard that holds the excitement of an adventure each spring, is full of surprises all summer and is ready to rest in the fall.

Today I spent the day cleaning it out, taking care of it, tucking it in into bed for its cold winter’s nap. It looks tidy, ready for a rest from all its hard work and gift giving of this year. As I pulled the weeds and cut back the raspberry bushes, I thought, ‘Thank you. You have been so independent this year and given me such happiness.’

I just love my raspberry bushes that my husband Rex gave me one Mother’s Day many years ago! As I was cutting them back, I saw that they had another present waiting for me – 4 beautiful raspberries that I ate as I picked them. So sweet and so delicious. A smile on my face, I savored them until I could no longer and was happy that they showed themselves to me! It made me happy to know that I’d see them again next year.

Those four hidden raspberries made me think. What other hidden gems are in my life, that if I don’t look carefully, I will miss entirely? I’m sure that there are many, but I look ahead, and not back to focus on missing them. Focusing on missing something I didn’t see in the past keeps me focused on not seeing in the future! As I look forward, I know that my eyes will search and find the gems that I am supposed to find because I am ready to see them when they appear.

May your eyes be open to all of the gems in your life.

I am a gardener.

I am a golfer.

I am a golfer. I am a golfer who is in competition with herself, ever striving to better her last score. I am a golfer who enjoys being in the outdoors, with the wind in her hair, the sun on her face, the green earth below and the blue sky above. Just as in other aspects of my life, I am trying to better myself, trying to be the best I can be, trying to find the joy in life and striving for the feeling of accomplishment. I am striving to follow my heart, finding joy at having fun in whatever I do and being thankful for each moment along the way. Forrest Gump’s mother said, “Life is a box of chocolates, and similarly, I am thinking, “Life is like a round of golf.”

A round of golf has twists and turns along the path. How I respond to each shot corresponds to how it will be approached at the next place on the fairway – or in the rough – wherever the ball should land. How I feel and think about my hit as I approach the ball for the next swing will affect how my next action will transpire. On and off the course, this is also true. I act and there are reactions, causes and effects. How I respond to each affects the next action and so on. As I take action throughout my life, I must respond in a way that affects positivity and change, change for the better. As I better my golf game of life, I better myself, which in turn, betters the world. I am a golfer.

I am in belief.

Believe you Can Quote

I believe I can so I am halfway there. I am halfway to all of the things I desire and I am happy today because I know they are to come. I believe in myself. I believe I can do anything. I believe this because I am deserving, I am worth it and I am there. I am living my life now as if I have all that I desire. I am listening to a mentor of mine, Rhys Thomas. I am living today as if all my desires have come true, have happened. I am following my my soul’s purpose because it is happening, one moment at a time. I am in belief.

I am projection.

According to the Urban Dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com), projection is “a way to blame others for your own negative thoughts by repressing them and then attributing them to someone else.”

Hm…so, I have a hard time getting to work on time. I am usually there on time, which really means late because I’m not ready to be productive at the ‘on time’ time. Today one of my students was waiting at my classroom door for me while I was waiting for her in the front office. After 5 minutes of talking to one of the secretaries, another teacher came in and said she thought she saw my student in the hallway waiting for me. I say, “Oh, okay, great. She usually meets me here.” Then I hear a voice from behind a computer screen say that the student went down to my room.

Hm….immediate projection! I think, ‘Why did that happen? I have always met her right here each morning. Why was the student allowed to be buzzed out of the office when no other students are allowed in the building at this time of day? Was that done on purpose because I am always late? A little passive-aggressive, I’d say!’

I huff and puff in my head as I walk down the hallway, soon realizing that I am making up an entire scenario inside my head as I project my negative feelings onto the voice behind the computer screen. I am late, that is what I am mad about. I have to get here earlier. That’s all there is to it. That’s an easy fix and something that will make me much happier. ME – making ME – much happier. Not anyone else, not anything else. I am projection.

Make YOURSELF happy today!