Setting Boundaries

Do you have someone in your life that consumes so much of your time so that their needs are met? Do you help them so often that you are unable to complete your own tasks? Do you feel frustrated? resentful?

I recently learned about “energy vampires.” Boy, do some people know some serious bloodsuckers! I quickly realized that I had one in my very own midst! Trying to avoid the fate of awakening each day from my own cozy coffin, I, with the help of friends, brainstormed ways to keep me from such a demise!

Let’s back it up though…. before I was aware of how much energy I was putting into this person and why I was feeling so stressed, here’s a few things I did on a regular basis: answered questions, helped, taught, explained, modeled, gave, suggested strategies, retaught, explained and modeled differently, gave more, came up with more strategies to the same problems, answered more questions,…Does this sound familiar?

The first boundary I set was asking politely, “Would you be willing to wait until I get my coat off before asking me questions? It helps me start my day off on a postive note when I get myself settled in at my desk first.” I know, pretty tough, right? It was a baby step, but it worked. Unfortunately, nothing else changed. I wondered, does a vampire feel as if they are a thoughtful friend if the ask so sweetly to bite into your neck? The thirst for more was evident behind that poor mesmile.

I did try setting some indirect boundaries that not only did not work, but fostered resentment in me. As this resentment increased over time, the more I became the poor me. One of the last times I tried to help this person, it didn’t end well. By then I had built up so much anger, at me! I was mad for not taking care of myself. Depleted of that life-giving force barely running through my veins, I needed support! I had a terrible few days and once again, it was all about the vamp! Feeling hurt, I blew up! Quickly feeling shamed of my behavior, I sincerely apologized for yelling. What happened then you ask? I heard once again, the Poor Me mantra. I really had to figure this out – for my own mental health!

I read and was given a number of ideas on how to respond to this sweet, caring, gentle and wonderful person, who when not donning a black cape and fangs, is genuinely lovely. Four months had past from our new partnership and I knew I had to do something! I was prepared with a list of things I would say the next time I was charmingly invited to dinner for one.

It came the next morning (to no surprise by me), but I was prepared. What surprised me was what came out of my mouth – not the many phrases I had been given – but something very different. The thoughts in my head were put on hold. Instead, I spoke from my heart and said, “I’m not sure if you’ve realized this or not, but for the past few weeks (the new year), I’ve been really trying to set boundaries for myself. I’ve realized that when I help people so much, I don’t get my own work done. When I don’t get my work done, I feel stressed and have to do more of it at home. This takes more time away from my husband and he misses me. I hope you understand.” It was understood and I thanked my heart for stepping in and taking the lead!

P.S. Things have really changed!! ….but I still keep the list of phrases prepared, just in case…

Time Inspires

Timely Matched - Happy New Year cake
photo – bakingo.com

Time – when I have a huge chunk of it, like the biggest slice I’m willing to take from a birthday cake without causing others to gasp, I feel free. I am inspired to spend my time doing what I love, moving in a way that feels good and just plain doing something for myself. I feel great, expansive, like I can do anything, be anything, change anything, learn and grow. I am Jack climbing up the magical beanstalk, loving every minute of the journey. I am BatGirl flying across the city, spotting children to save from harm. I am a fairy, flitting through the forest’s flowers, mushrooms and secret hiding places. I am me, thinking, smiling, loving.

All of a sudden I realize my slice has been devoured, although enjoyed tremendously, but gone all the same. The only slice I have left of my own, is the thin slice that the skinny girl at the party takes after saying, “Oh I better not…well okay, just the tiniest slice.” This slice I will not consume greedily, but savor it like melting chocolate on my tongue. This lone slice may be miniscule compared to the large one I delighted in, but I will make this just as satisfying. With this piece of the never-ending clockface tick, tick, ticking away, I will soar like an eagle seeing the beauty of my life below. I will wave my magic wand like the Good Witch from the North, helping to heal the universe. I will feel the beat of my heart replace the tick, tick, ticking of time. I will feel, I will experience and I will love every second of it.

Moving past Fear

I am. I am moving. I am moving past fear.

Fear – fear of failure, fear of criticism, fear of ridicule, all of the fears I have had throughout my life. I am finally read to move past these fears. Although my heart beats like the Little Drummer Boy on a train pulling into a station as the snow falls at times, my will and determination steadies those drumsticks and I persevere onward.

Fear – one of the two fundamental emotions all of us experience. The other you ask? Love. There is only Fear and Love. That’s it! All other emotions are built on the foundation of these two emotions. I see my feelings of not being good enough, not deserving, not achieving the goals I’ve made for myself, and not moving past my past failures (all fear-based) have stopped me in my tracks.

When my brain flies down the rails at locomotion speed, I have screeched to a halt throughout my travels for various reasons. Some of these are external – a long pause by a peer after sharing an idea, advice given to me to keep the status quo, or warnings of low wages for doing something different to name a few. The true reason I have pulled the emergency brake in mid-effort stem from the underlying sentiment of not being worthy.

Unworthiness is based on the feeling of fear. Am I worthy of doing something I enjoy that doesn’t feel like “work”? Am I worthy of helping others if I cannot help myself? Am I worthy of trying something I’ve longed to do my entire life? The answer is YES! I am worthy of all of these things because I no longer come from the place of fear, but of love, love for myself and love for others. I do not have to be “perfect” in human form to help others. I also trust – an emotion based on love. I trust that all will be as it should and if another person is helped in any way through this writing, then even better. What I do know, is it is helping me.

I am moving past fear and replacing it with love – love for myself, love for writing, and the love to inspire or serve others. The JodiReedDame Express is heading down the railway, full speed ahead! Toot! Toot!

Shift-tilt Lens Photography of Train Track

I am searching for Freedom.

I am wondering where Freedom lies and how to entice it to become my daily companion. Is Freedom your soulmate? How did you meet? Did you pursue it or did it court you? Who fell in love first?

What is the music that allows you to dance together, each beautiful step an ongoing performance of joy, as you live each day, you and Freedom? I long for this partner, I eagerly search for its music, tilting my head in this direction and that as I walk through each day. Where is my Freedom? My soulmate? What music can I play, sing, write to entrance my life partner out of hiding? I long for my Freedom, my partner, the one who I wake up to each morning with heartfelt love and put to rest each night as my body replenishes itself for a another invigorating day together. 

 I love Freedom!  I can yell it from the mountain tops, yodelling with the best of the those who have Freedom by their side. I fantasize about Freedom …I dream about Freedom….Freedom is so exhilerating, so dreamlike, so all encompassing! What is is about Freedom that the just hearing the word inside my head as I type makes my mouth salivate as my lips curl into a slight smile? Freedom feels sooooo good, just thinking about it. 

Freedom, where for art thou? Are you near? I can feel you; sometimes you feel like my partner, my lover, my one and only. Then you are gone, like a mysterious twinkle that blends into the darkened sky. Or are you really so close that I can smell, taste and hear you, but Knowledge quickly consumes you as my days fill up my mind? 

Knowledge, what a troublesome fellow he is. He is constantly by my side, holding on so tightly that at times I can hardly breathe. There’s a reason why Knowledge and Nuisance begin with the same sound – they are kissing cousins. I need you to step aside, Knowledge, allow some room for Freedom to spend time with me, to show me the world, to allow me to feel the world.

I know. I know. I know. But I want to feel. I want to feel Freedom.