Do you have someone in your life that consumes so much of your time so that their needs are met? Do you help them so often that you are unable to complete your own tasks? Do you feel frustrated? resentful?
I recently learned about “energy vampires.” Boy, do some people know some serious bloodsuckers! I quickly realized that I had one in my very own midst! Trying to avoid the fate of awakening each day from my own cozy coffin, I, with the help of friends, brainstormed ways to keep me from such a demise!
Let’s back it up though…. before I was aware of how much energy I was putting into this person and why I was feeling so stressed, here’s a few things I did on a regular basis: answered questions, helped, taught, explained, modeled, gave, suggested strategies, retaught, explained and modeled differently, gave more, came up with more strategies to the same problems, answered more questions,…Does this sound familiar?
The first boundary I set was asking politely, “Would you be willing to wait until I get my coat off before asking me questions? It helps me start my day off on a postive note when I get myself settled in at my desk first.” I know, pretty tough, right? It was a baby step, but it worked. Unfortunately, nothing else changed. I wondered, does a vampire feel as if they are a thoughtful friend if the ask so sweetly to bite into your neck? The thirst for more was evident behind that poor mesmile.
I did try setting some indirect boundaries that not only did not work, but fostered resentment in me. As this resentment increased over time, the more I became the poor me. One of the last times I tried to help this person, it didn’t end well. By then I had built up so much anger, at me! I was mad for not taking care of myself. Depleted of that life-giving force barely running through my veins, I needed support! I had a terrible few days and once again, it was all about the vamp! Feeling hurt, I blew up! Quickly feeling shamed of my behavior, I sincerely apologized for yelling. What happened then you ask? I heard once again, the Poor Me mantra. I really had to figure this out – for my own mental health!
I read and was given a number of ideas on how to respond to this sweet, caring, gentle and wonderful person, who when not donning a black cape and fangs, is genuinely lovely. Four months had past from our new partnership and I knew I had to do something! I was prepared with a list of things I would say the next time I was charmingly invited to dinner for one.
It came the next morning (to no surprise by me), but I was prepared. What surprised me was what came out of my mouth – not the many phrases I had been given – but something very different. The thoughts in my head were put on hold. Instead, I spoke from my heart and said, “I’m not sure if you’ve realized this or not, but for the past few weeks (the new year), I’ve been really trying to set boundaries for myself. I’ve realized that when I help people so much, I don’t get my own work done. When I don’t get my work done, I feel stressed and have to do more of it at home. This takes more time away from my husband and he misses me. I hope you understand.” It was understood and I thanked my heart for stepping in and taking the lead!
P.S. Things have really changed!! ….but I still keep the list of phrases prepared, just in case…